i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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