Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
