we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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