Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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