One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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