What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize