we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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