I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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