eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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