My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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