I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
