Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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