I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Randomize
