Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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