You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
