I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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