1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
