I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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