what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
