if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
