things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
