I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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