just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize