You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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