: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
