Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
