i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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