I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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