Why is your signature on my underwear?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
