I can't breathe out the right side of my face
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
