i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
