I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
