FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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