Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
