oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
