i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
