Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
