You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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