i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Randomize
