I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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