My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
