youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
