I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
