I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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