you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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