I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
