I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
