i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
