I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
