just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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