It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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