bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
