dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
