at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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