I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
We named our party play list daddy issues
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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