p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Someone came in the potted fern
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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